the phone call..

I am waiting for someone's call.. I am restless, I can't sleep, I can't enjoy myself, I can't appreciate my last day at home. I am patiently waiting for a phone call, a call that was never meant to happen. This was someone whom I thought was rather important to me for a little while, but reality does have a way to sting you where you're at your most vulnerable self. Story is like this, I've meet with someone from the cyberspace, someone I never knew, and never will know. He remains mysterious to me for most of the time when we're messaging and chatting, or skyping. Yes, I am going to admit here that I'm lonely and I do enjoy company from strangers from time to time. I am someone who has practically everything I ever wanted. I have a great job, I have everything I need and also bought many things that I dont need, I have a wonderful family, I have few but really good friends.. but life has never been enough for a person like me. I am never truly happy!

So, lets just name this person Mr. J. He's young, happy go lucky guy, high spirited, smart, all confident kind of guy, charming, greatlooking (as what I've heard), one word = the perfect man. We spent considerable amount of time on talking, sharing experiences, advising each other, sometimes teasing and fooling around with each other. But Mr. J is not perfect, he has this medical condition, which sometimes put him great discomfort, and haven't I mentioned so far, being a "caring" doctor,  thats what I've been told, I would gave him advises, shares his pains with him even offered to take care of him (in the event, if he ever needs me), there is only so much I can do for him. Our "friendship" lasted for maybe 2 months? I would go to work till 12 midnights and then came back tired in front of the computer staring at a nickname, and then talk for 1-2 hours and then go to bed in the middle of morning. Each passing days, my connection I felt was growing, and its not something withing my control.

Fast forward a little to the ending was, Mr. J. had made it very clear that this 'friendship' should not even happen, and is wrong since the beginning, I quickly held back, suppressed my feelings, and stop getting involved with him. I sent a rather long winded message, saying how by continuing this will only left me hurt, and mind you, I'm still not recuperating from my broken heart. So we then stopped doing what we been doing. I ended it. Like what Mr. J has confessed, his biggest weakness was suprising not the medical condition that he's been suffering. His weakness lies in the inability of himself 'managing' human - in his own word. Throughout his life, he confessed of often unintentionally misguiding and misleading people into self-made feelings or in my own words 'deluded make believe relationship'. Like the one that I had with him. Often leaving the 'victims' heartbroken, and emotionally damaged.. okay maybe damage is a harsh word!

But to Mr. J's defense, he did changed my life, most of it to the better. I started buying books and I enjoy reading them, I started taking good care of what I eat, I started to have a routine to do exercises, and to build my body (Mr. J has a perfect 6 pacs). Basically I gain the determination of heal and improve myself! (It does sound like Mr. J is more of a doctor than myself!)
I'm slowly accepting the fact that, sometimes, some people just walked n crosses in your life, and then leave and change you (for better or worst), and they had to leave. Ironicaly, until today I dont know how Mr. J looked like, all I remember was his name, his voice, and his words.

So why am i waiting for the call? why do feel the way I'm feeling now. Maybe I just want to know that he's fine. He has been going through some rough patch in life I wish that I am there for him the same way that he was there for me. All I wanted to say this to him is this, "dear Mr. J, I'll forever support you in whatever you do, for better, for worse. And I wish you all the love and luck, my dear friend!"

Im packing to leave. Leave this place of sadness.

Oh yes, music of the moment..